drafts 003 – january bullets

it's sometimes hard to collect all the thoughts i have and synthesize them in singular essay. as such, i started collected the random thoughts i have throughout the day. here's a couple from last month:

• not to sound like every 25 year old ever but i’ve been thinking a lot about neuroplasticity a lot. it’s pretty rare that i lose my train of thought as i speak, as i’ve always tried my best to be exact with language even as a kid. it was to the point where i wouldn’t event start essays in my 8th grade languages arts class since i needed my introduction to be perfect. and ngl, this kinda followed me into adulthood as i get into writing consistently as a hobby, evidenced by my countless essays drafts i furiously wrote in a dream-like haze after reading for more than like ten minutes. i feel like there’s a metaphor there if you squint hard enough. i mostly find myself lacking the words in the middle of work meetings, looking to the side of the screen trying to connect the cerebral dots in my brain back again, making eye contact with megan on my katesye poster that is blue tacked above my desk.
• my apartment is a two minute walk from a harris teeter (this is giving context i swear) and i wear the whole most horrific outfits of my life in there—like i know it dad would side eye me if i was stranger. it’s mostly bc that short of a walk doesn’t necessitate a full “outfit” to be worn. and by “outfit” i mean putting on jeans and a t-shirt i guess? it’s not like putting on those articles of clothing takes a ton of effort, but why do i need to try that hard before 9 AM. anyway, it makes me eternally grateful i don’t live by any of my coworkers. i would be absolutely stunned if i saw my manager saw me in the dairy aisle (she might be lactose intolerant idk her tea), staring directly at the banana socks i stole from my bf peeking through my all-black birkenstocks. that fr just sent a chill down my spine.
• i’m being dead serious when i say this but why don’t more people use vsco?
• ok this year i really need to learn spanish. not only because i have moots in south america (#iykyk), but because i simply can’t believe there are white people out there living in china speaking the language near perfectly with the people at food stands. like if they can do that, i should be able to order at a dominican restaurant without sounding like a toddler.
• i’ve been obsessed with watching recaps of niche internet drama on youtube for the past couple of weeks now. the sheer volume of videos is so baffling to me as there’s countless beefs between creators i’ve never heard of that sometimes lasts months on end? like there’s feuds between those influencers you only see in those reels your gen x mom sends you. they’re truly living in a different reality and i applaud those youtubers for putting in the time to chronicle these events to me while i sit in my bed… sometimes high. why do i know what podcast ash trevino went on (sitting with her kids mind you) after she received allegations of not giving said kids a bed to sleep on? why do i also know that the host of that podcast recently released a course on “how to be an influencer” with an application that didn’t need any social media handles? let me stop.
• i don’t know why i always scrape by surviving january. every year, without fail, i find myself counting down the days to february 1st. i think it started in high school when i was waiting on college app decisions for what felt like an eternity, desperately trying to be validated for the countless hours i spent studying for ap exams. it all felt like a blur. somehow simultaneously comforting yet foreboding? i just remember being really scared! it’s a new year of my life and it’s up to me to carve a path for myself. i don’t think i’ve ever shaken off that feeling and it’s kinda metastasizing in my psyche, praying to get found out.
• trixie mattel is rupaul’s successor
• i’ve been listening to my playlist from 2019 and i think south florida was patient 0 for that gen z aesthetic everyone posts on their pinterest boards. i get the association with la and emma chamberlain and that sort of side of the internet plastered with video thumbnails of rex orange county refracted by the discoloration of a jakarta filter—however comma—i think broward county is the real inspo. do you even know who traithalon is? right…